Healing and Growing: The Journey to Healthier Relationships

Episode 2: Are you ready to revolutionize your love life? Prepare to elevate your relationships and arm yourself with the wisdom to make better decisions. Join us, Shaniqua and Dee, as we delve into the nitty-gritty of relationships - what to seek in a partner, how to heal before embarking on a new love journey, and how to maintain virtues like loyalty, respect, and communication. We also discuss the significance of God's role in relationships, the precarious balance between being selective and overly choosy, and why settling for less should never be an option.

We go beyond the usual relationship advices and explore complex dynamics, like how to navigate relationships with exes and best friends when starting a new relationship. Trust us, it's trickier than you think, but entirely possible! We highlight the importance of open conversations, understanding each other's expectations, and recognizing potential deal breakers. More significantly, we underline the power of self-love, honesty, setting boundaries, and trusting in divine timing. So come along, as we share insights and experiences to help you foster healthier, happier relationships.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Hello, welcome to Free Concepts everyone. I am your host, shaniqua, and we have our co-host Dee.

Speaker 2: 0:13

Hello everyone.

Speaker 1: 0:15

So listen, how are you today?

Speaker 2: 0:19

I'm good, I'm blessed. How about yourself?

Speaker 1: 0:22

I'm good as well. Let's go ahead and start off with a prayer, and then we're going to get right into our topic.

Speaker 2: 0:28

Okay, Heavenly Father, we come to you through your Son and we thank you for this opportunity to just speak and come and be half fellowship through this podcast. We thank you for your grace and mercy and just being the awesome God that you are. We pray that you increase in us and that we decrease and that your word is just kissed through the way you will have it to be. We give you all the glory and the praise In Jesus' name. We pray, Amen, Amen.

Speaker 1: 0:55

Amen, okay, so we're going to start off with discussing what is it that you look for in a mate, so we see how society is and relationships are, and that's why I feel like it's so important to do the healing process, because we should heal before we actually enter into another relationship so we don't carry that baggage into something new. What is it that you look for in a mate?

Speaker 2: 1:29

For me, first and foremost is their relationship with God. Are they God-fearing, god-loving? Next is like integrity, loyalty, honesty and respect. And if we can communicate, because if it ain't no good communication, then there ain't no relation. So those are just several things I look for in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 1:53

Yeah, I don't like causes and conversations. I like for it to flow and I talk randomly, so I'll go from one subject to the next and I need someone that's going to be able to flow with me like that.

Speaker 2: 2:10

Absolutely, absolutely, because you don't want it to just be dad. You having a conversation and you first meet somebody and it's just crickets.

Speaker 1: 2:19

Exactly.

Speaker 2: 2:22

It's a long pause.

Speaker 1: 2:23

Like okay how would?

Speaker 2: 2:25

you do it.

Speaker 1: 2:26

Or one word answers, you know.

Speaker 2: 2:31

Like yes, no okay. So nothing else to add to that is just yes or no.

Speaker 1: 2:38

That's it, okay, I gotta push this conversation forward, huh there you go Add no adjectives to it.

Speaker 1: 2:45

No, no nails, no, evers, nothing. But no, I like everything that you said. I want someone too that has a relationship with God. That can be I don't know spontaneous, and you know you gotta be loving and kind, of course, honest. I don't like liars and cheaters. I think that's like my deal breaker. If you lie to me then I'm like I can't deal with it. And as I got older, you know the things I used to want has changed. Now what I want now, you know. Now a lot of people tell me I'm picky. You know when I choose. Is it picky or is it really just having standards? What do you think?

Speaker 2: 3:40

I think it's having standards, because you gotta have some. You gotta have some kind of standards as to what you will settle for and then like you just to piggy bank on what you just said. As you grow older now you know we're in our 40s, you know what you like and what you dislike and plus you don't wanna waste your time or their time. So you know you don't wanna play no games. We ain't in it. You know, for people that are like you, we're feeling you or we not. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 4:06

Yeah, I mean, I have a big one list. Go ahead, go ahead, you got a grocery list. Yeah, I did.

Speaker 2: 4:15

And now with society, like you just said. I mean, you gotta do a background check, a mental health check. You gotta do do you got COVID? Do you got monkey pot? You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 4:26

Yeah, you turn around and kiss somebody.

Speaker 2: 4:29

Yeah, your lips will up.

Speaker 1: 4:31

Yeah, you got a bum bump, you got a heart, you got a bum bump. Exactly Like nope, you got a. Really, it's standards for me. I think it's just having a stand. I think being too picky or being picky is more like you know he can't have a mull on his face or she can't have a mull on her, or you know what I mean? Something just like okay, that's just too much. You know, like his fingers are too short. You know, like okay.

Speaker 2: 5:03

But I'm probably fake, as you don't like.

Speaker 1: 5:06

No, no, no. But you know I feel like it's just me having standards I have to. Before I used to settle, so now you know you gotta come to the table with something you know. And I'm not talking about money. It's not about money for me, it's not about any of this. It's about being a partner who's gonna be able to grow with me and build with me and enjoy those moments and travel, and you know I want that type of life so I don't want any negativity. I've been through it back and forth, you know, with the drama, so I'm done with that. But do you tell how many partners like, if they ask you like? So how many partners have you been with, or how many you know? Who should I buy to count Like?

Speaker 2: 5:59

because I have somebody.

Speaker 1: 6:02

Well, if you be, by asking me to go ahead, all the chairs.

Speaker 2: 6:07

I think honestly, like I said, it's the best policy, but then, at the end of the day, the past is the past, so why does it really matter? It ain't like we just, or we go in the first in college and we just meeting and you want to know. You know, because now I mean we in our 40s how many of you expect us to have been with. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 6:28

Like you live. You ain't hear me. I said your number must be hiding.

Speaker 2: 6:32

No, no, no, no that's you, that's you, that's you. That's all on you. Don't be for me.

Speaker 1: 6:36

I'll blast, Lord they don't count if it wasn't you, my body counting they're really big. Because, yeah, it wasn't good so say, if you had like 30 partners and it means you know, say all of them are good except for like two. So you know, you only just really had two, 12.

Speaker 2: 7:07

Yeah, you just take the old triphal.

Speaker 1: 7:09

That's the math.

Speaker 2: 7:10

I'm mapping From 30 to 2. Yeah, there's a method to that madness.

Speaker 1: 7:19

It was only two Good out of the 30.

Speaker 2: 7:21

28 people. All you didn't count. Or, like one of the folks said, if I dated you when I was under this age, then it didn't count.

Speaker 1: 7:31

No, not the same. Not the same at all.

Speaker 2: 7:34

It's not my fault.

Speaker 1: 7:35

They should have tried, but they should have did about it. You got to do better than that.

Speaker 2: 7:42

So you only so. Once you only take the A's and B's, you leave the C, d and F's alone. You don't count there. No. You got under a, b, you don't count.

Speaker 1: 7:52

Yeah, it's just like a scale from one to 10. If you below that five, it does not count, ok. So, moving right along, is it OK to talk to X's Once you've entered a new relationship and you're actually boyfriend and girlfriend? A girlfriend and girlfriend? No, boyfriend and boyfriend? Whatever do you, you know, continue to talk to your exes.

Speaker 2: 8:20

Well, I Feel like you should have that up front, dependent on how they feel about it, and you feel I have a conversation.

Speaker 2: 8:29

Because, honestly, you know, like say, for instance, if your exes and your best friends, and then you're just supposed to just drop your best friend, because I think it comes to me, I think is a maturity level and in security level, if you're mature and secure in yourself and you know, and it's how deep where you involve with this person, I mean, are you dating for a week or a month or six months or you know, I'm saying years. You know I'm saying because within time you're gonna actually get to know that person and learn that person. So are you supposed to drop best friend, which happens to be your ex, just saying and so that person can feel secure? You know, I mean catch 22 because it depends on what you discuss in the beginning.

Speaker 1: 9:20

I think that conversation has to be had in the beginning, don't wait till after the fact because you scared to say something. And in now, two years, are you in? Now you like I don't really think like you hanging with her? You know that is your ex, you know bringing it up. So it should be discussed in the beginning and you really have to be honest with yourself and say am I comfortable and am I and Am I okay with you, know, him or her talking to their ex?

Speaker 2: 9:48

you know, I mean because what?

Speaker 1: 9:50

if the ex isn't over them, but they're saying that they are. Well, really they're not. What if they you know they're dating someone at the time and say they end up breaking up with the person and then? So now they're like, oh, I really think I do Love them still, you know right.

Speaker 2: 10:07

But it comes back to trust, because you got to trust your partner to be respectful to you to be able to put a stop to that, if that does Does happen, or come, come this, years or days down the line, or whatever happens.

Speaker 1: 10:21

I'm just like temptation, you know. I mean like you are as comfortable you already been there before you might slip back in. You know, let's see, that's where.

Speaker 2: 10:30

That's where the trust comes and do you trust yourself? That's the big question. If you, if you're gonna be friends with your ex and you're starting a new beginning with somebody else, do you trust yourself to not slip on that, because it could not be the ex that won't?

Speaker 1: 10:43

you, you, just you know, have been drinking a song, you know Okay.

Speaker 2: 10:56

All right?

Speaker 1: 10:57

I guess no, but you're right, no no, but you're right, though it does, it's all about for us. You can't. You can't make somebody not do something or you know you can't make them not cheat. If they're gonna cheat or cheat, regardless If it's the X or the next or whoever.

Speaker 2: 11:14

Right, right, absolutely. You know you can't control people. They're gonna do what they're gonna do Exactly. And if they do have, them.

Speaker 1: 11:21

They probably not for you, but.

Speaker 2: 11:23

I think it should be discussed.

Speaker 1: 11:25

A lot of things should be discussed because I think If you're honest in the beginning and you lay all your stuff out on the table, it was like okay, I got this going on, I got that. You know, this is what I've been through. Kind of Lay it out there, this is you know, this is you know how much. I'm not gonna say how much I make, but you know, this is right.

Speaker 2: 11:45

Absolutely yeah yeah, what you just lay out, your your deal breakers like this. This is this is this is what I expect. You know, if we're gonna be in a relationship and this is a deal breaker, like lying and cheating I'm not gonna put it away.

Speaker 2: 12:00

I'm gonna just be up and then even, like we said before, like as far as your like, your, your faith, life, and then you know, like you got to discuss things like do you, you know, independent on the age, do you want kids? No kids, or you know things of that nature because you want to be on the same page, you want to be equally yoked, because you don't want to waste your time, and especially dating in your 40s, just like.

Speaker 1: 12:25

It's terrible, they don't have good communication skills at all. And I had this when I was at Home Depot, this guy yesterday. He was like you know, can I walk you out? No, okay, like you know. And then he was talking to me and he was like you know, do you mind if I get your number? And I was like, hmm, I was like how do you, young man? It was like he was like 31. I said, oh no, you're my son's age. I was like I can't do that. I was like he's like why, you know, it's not, it won't be like Dating your son. And I was like, yeah, I would like I'm 50. So you weren't even. You were born. When he was born like, I was grown like, but I didn't even go into all that. I was like I'm flattered and thank you so much for you.

Speaker 2: 13:18

You know, you know, but it's yeah, different folks, different strokes, because sometimes you know older women like younger men, they like a cool girl, you know they experienced they playing games. Oh, exactly, so it all. It all depends on the person. You know what I'm saying. Different strokes different folks, yeah, everyone is different.

Speaker 1: 13:43

This is just me personally and that's why we shouldn't get mad either If, if someone rejects you, it's not rejecting you necessarily. To take personally, you know, and a lot of people, they have insecurities already, so that's why they get upset. But I wouldn't want to get upset if, if you know, I feel like If it's for me, it's for me, but if it's not, it's not. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2: 14:08

And I'm okay with it. And sometimes rejection is protection.

Speaker 1: 14:11

You know I'm saying you better go ahead.

Speaker 2: 14:14

Cuz. People show you who they truly are. If you just take the time to sit back and listen and you're gonna see the true.

Speaker 1: 14:22

Them so and believe them Go ahead.

Speaker 2: 14:25

Show you who they are. Believe them. Oh, yeah, yeah, they tell you nobody knows a person better than thyself.

Speaker 1: 14:33

Mm-hmm, and they mama too, they mama or exactly.

Speaker 1: 14:40

Or the family member, because I've had people family member telling me like nah, she ain't, you don't, you don't want to yeah, cuz a lot of times you meet their representative in the beginning, of course, you know you like each other and you're like, oh yeah, you know and You're attracted to each other and all that good stuff. So you're gonna say the right things. You're gonna try not to say anything that's gonna turn them off, especially if they're talking and they say something in reference to your behaviors that they don't know yet. And then you, of course, you don't want to say why I do that. You know what I mean, right.

Speaker 1: 15:16

Right, so they hold it back, and then they wait till you actually go all in six months down the line, or a year or whatever, and then gradually because a person can only fake it, both is alone they start. You start seeing those red flags, or seeing those things you know.

Speaker 2: 15:31

Yeah, I mean, that's another thing we can't we can't ignore red flags.

Speaker 1: 15:36

That's another thing what it put out there too.

Speaker 2: 15:38

Oh yeah, definitely, yeah, definitely, and, and no matter how attracted you is to somebody or you feeling them, if you see the red flags run, run don't walk away, run away, do not collect $200. Do not pass. Just just just just leave that alone, because at the end of the day, you might as well just go ahead and know it's not gonna work for you.

Speaker 1: 16:04

Yeah, why waste time?

Speaker 2: 16:06

Yeah, and that's what I'm saying, and, depending on your age, like Even even younger, nobody got time for games, playing games and wasted time. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1: 16:15

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 16:18

You can't get time back. No, can't cross the same river twice. So you know what I mean. So yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 16:24

So, okay, okay, well, I enjoyed our conversation. This was really good. Is there anything else that you wanted to add to what we've already discussed With? What do you look for in the May? That was the first question. Is it picky or having standards? Do you tell how many partners that you've slept with? Is it okay to talk to X's? Anything you want to add?

Speaker 2: 16:53

Just to piggy bank on that honesty, just honesty from jump. Just start off honest clean slate. So you know just flow.

Speaker 1: 17:03

Honesty is the best policy.

Speaker 2: 17:04

Yeah, always always, no matter what kind of relationship it is, even if it's business or whatever kind of relationship, you want it to honesty to be out there and you don't know. You know what I'm saying Because it's going to always. The truth always comes out one way or another and the truth literally will set you free.

Speaker 1: 17:23

Absolutely yes, I totally agree with that. Honesty is best, you know. I definitely think that you have to do that. Because, then you know you're gonna have regrets later on and you kind of forced it really and you faked it and it's not real. So how can you even have a foundation? You know all built on lies.

Speaker 2: 17:46

So Absolutely, yeah, absolutely so, if you want it to be healthy.

Speaker 1: 17:51

You want to.

Speaker 2: 17:53

Boundaries.

Speaker 1: 17:54

Yes, oh yeah. You got to set your boundaries in the beginning as well.

Speaker 2: 17:58

You got to love yourself and just before anybody, just advice to anybody that's looking to get in a relationship or if you just recently got out of one or you haven't healed.

Speaker 2: 18:09

And how can you love anybody if you don't love yourself? And therefore, if you love yourself, you won't be desperate to be with just anybody, you won't accept just anybody, Because you'll be confident in securing yourself and when the love with yourself and trusting God, knowing that the timing and the right personal calm, if it's minute, it'll be. If it's not, then you know. Like you said back, to rejection is protection, because everyone is not for everybody.

Speaker 1: 18:38

Absolutely, and it's crazy because society will have these things that you should be married by a certain time and all of that. You're not behind people. If you're listening to my listeners, you're not behind on anything. As you know, it's God's divine time and so don't look at someone else's life and say, oh my gosh, you know they're 30 and they're already married and have kids, and you know I'm almost 40. And I feel because then you're going to force it with someone that's not really meant for you.

Speaker 1: 19:05

If it's meant it's going to happen, but never force it.

Speaker 2: 19:09

And yeah, you can't. There's no comparison to anybody's life. We're all on different journeys, god's time, in his will, his way, and that's what happens, I think, with life. People do rush into things where they get married or in relationships for the wrong reasons. If it ain't love and joy and peace and that person promoting you and you promoting them, making each other better together, then it shouldn't be. You know what.

Speaker 1: 19:32

I mean.

Speaker 2: 19:32

And if you, because you shouldn't get with somebody because you need them, you should get with them because you love them and there's feelings there and you're attracted to them and you know you can't do without them.

Speaker 1: 19:43

Exactly Right, right you know, unconditional love you know we're going to all grow and change, and so that person has to be willing to allow you to be you you know who God created you to be and not try to change you into what they want you to be for them because of their own selfish wants. You know you got to allow people to be their own individual selves and then you guys come together, you know.

Speaker 2: 20:10

Yeah, and especially if you're getting married. You got to be, you got to know that change you. If you don't like change, then you shouldn't get married, because you know individually.

Speaker 1: 20:19

We all evolve. Each one is evolving.

Speaker 2: 20:22

You're evolving as individual wolves and then you evolve together as a couple.

Speaker 1: 20:28

So you know what I'm saying there's going to be changes.

Speaker 2: 20:30

You know, grow apart and some grow together, so you know you got cycles, you got menopause. Right, right oh yeah, we got to definitely talk about those things. As women, I mean they just don't stop Like you, just don't be free.

Speaker 1: 20:45

So it changes. You know your moods and all of that and your body changes.

Speaker 2: 20:50

So it's a lot, especially if you want to grow old together.

Speaker 1: 20:54

It's going to be a lot of changes, so you have to be willing to do that and not just get married because you know it's everybody's doing it, you know.

Speaker 1: 21:03

I don't want to be alone type of deal what's meant for you is for you, and just wait on that, because God will bless you with exactly what it is that you need. And but when we rush it and we got, it's like okay, that's what you want to do, you know, you just go ahead and do it and so, as you would say, for sure, like is and and and.

Speaker 2: 21:28

Then to you know, even if you know you're filling in and you guys feel like you're on the same page and it's flowing and it's going, and then it end up not working out in every, in every relationship or every. It's a lesson and it's a blessing. So either way you're going to be blessed, or you're going to get a lesson, or it could be both something else, because you're going to get.

Speaker 1: 21:48

you know it's no mistake If you have the part ways you know exactly, and it's no need to be mad and angry. You know with each other, you know. Just just part your part your ways and wish them the best. God bless you, you know, but I'm you know I'm moving on.

Speaker 2: 22:06

It's something better. He has somebody better for you, so exactly, exactly.

Speaker 1: 22:11

Well, this has been so good. Thank you so much. Thank you so much to our listeners. Thank you so much, D for co-hosting, again so grateful to you.

Speaker 2: 22:23

Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1: 22:25

Thank you, and thank you to community of unity. Exactly so we will be back next Monday. Is there any words you want to leave them with before we?

Speaker 2: 22:40

Just just everybody. Be blessed, stay blessed and spread. Spread love and not hate. There's enough hate in the world.

Speaker 1: 22:47

We need more love and kindness, give grace you know, yes, yes, that's the grace God gives us, exactly.

Speaker 2: 22:55

Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 22:55

Yeah, and I would. The advice I would give is to take time for you and love yourself and know that you are of value, that you are enough, and give yourself a hug from time to time and just let yourself know I am loved. You know, and just take time for you and stop trying to be what everybody else expects you to be for them, and be who you need to be for you.

Speaker 2: 23:23

Amen, because God is love so you're never alone, even if you're not in a relationship.

Speaker 1: 23:29

Exactly.

Speaker 2: 23:30

God loves you.

Speaker 1: 23:31

Yes, so thanks again for tuning in. If you have any comments, definitely go to free concepts with an S podcast at gmailcom. Much love and respect to all of you. Peace and love.

Speaker 2: 23:46

Blessings.